Welcome to our April Book Anti-Haul, the post where I go through the new, best sellers on Amazon and tell you why there’s no way in hell I’m going to buy the book. I was inspired by Kimberly Clark, my favorite YouTuber. She’s a drag queen committed to helping other makeup lovers break the cycle of consumerism. In her videos, she talks about new makeup releases she’s not going to buy because they are too expensive, ridiculous, or otherwise not worth the money.
I know what you’re thinking. “But you never buy books! You get them at the library!” You know how they say ex-smokers are only one cigarette away from being smokers again? I’m only one book from being a book hoarder again. So yes, part of the reason I’m not going to buy any of these books is because it will open a flood gate of buying books, and there’s no way I’ll be able to read them in a timely fashion. But mostly, they look like a horrible waste of money. Let’s begin.
Old School: Life in the Sane Lane by Bill O’Reilly
So, I don’t think I’ve ever really talked politics on my blog because this is not a political blog. The government has very little to do with books, and I don’t read political nonfiction so it doesn’t fit here. I think we can all agree, however, that Bill O’Reilly is an absolute piece of garbage, and it looks like this book is his magnum opus. The crescendo of his shit. According to the synopsis and reviews I read (skimmed) on Amazon, this book is about the golden age of America. Which, unsurprisingly for Bill O’Reilly, is the backwash, backward thinking era of 40’s and 50’s America. You know, when women and minorities were hugely oppressed. A time when being gay meant marrying a member of the opposite sex and never knowing the true joy of being yourself out of fear. Full of all the racism and sexism a right wing nut job’s heart could desire, there is absolutely no way in hell I will be buying this book.
The (unofficial) Hogwarts Haggadah by Moshe Rosenburg
Look, I’m all for a good “exploration of ______ in the Harry Potter series” book, but this is just ridiculous. I actually think it’s hilarious and probably a cool read, but it’s so out of left field I just can’t imagine who would think to write this book. I commend the creativity of Moshe Rosenburg, but I’m not buying this book.
Unshakable: Your Financial Freedom Playbook by Tony Robbins
Self help books are a weird subject for people. Some swear by them, others would never read them. I’ve read one, and it was The Power of Now. I thought it was pretty good, and it got me through kind of a rough patch, but then comes the problem. I feel like people read self help books, are inspired to change, take a few steps in the right direction and then just go back to doing whatever they were doing before. I know that’s what happened to me, hell I don’t even remember what the point of The Power of Now even was. I think all these self help books are just kind of momentary comfort. Like in this one, wow look at the ways I can cut my spending and put more into my retirement and stop living paycheck to paycheck, but then they close the book and see the new iWhatever and it’s 2 steps backward. Self help books just don’t inspire real, lasting change. So sorry, Tony Robbins, I’m not going to buy your self help book and pretend I’m well on my way to financial freedom.
How to Be a Bawse: A Guide to Conquering Life By Lilly Singh
This one is a little perplexing. As I scrolled through Amazon’s new releases, the cover caught my eye. Bawse? So I clicked on it. Apparently, the author of this book is some sort of YouTube sensation I’ve never heard of, which is interesting because I love everything about YouTube. Okay, so now I know she’s a YouTuber, but the next question is, what the fuck is bawse? Luckily, our coffee cup handling master of a heroine actually has a video explaining what a bawse is. I clicked on it not expecting this. This is a promo for her book, which is all fine and good. Apparently a bawse is someone who has their shit together. I’m thinking you also need to have half your head braided. Maybe you also need to have an affinity for Bawse brand hazelnut spread. Whatever, so of course now I want to know what credentials this girl has for telling people how to live. After looking through her YouTube channel for, oh let’s be serious it was probably like 5 minutes, I found nuggets of worldly wisdom the likes of:
- Signs You’re Competitive AF
- If My Period Was a Person
- Annoying People at the Movies
- What I Think About Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Divorcing
- I Don’t Know How to Sit
- And more!
Clearly, this girl is 100% qualified to tell anyone how to be a better person. Don’t you want to know if you’re competitive AF? Or what your period would be like if it were actually a man that followed you around? I’m seeing tons of life advice in the videos on this wildly popular (that’s not a joke, she has over 11 million followers) YouTube channel. I’m sorry, Lilly Singh, I just don’t think I’m ready to be a bawse yet, so I won’t be buying your book.
Portraits of Courage: A Commander in Chief’s Tribute to America’s Warriors by George W. Bush
Good Christ what a title. So this book is actually a collection of paintings by the extremely loveable George W. Bush. I didn’t vote for the guy and I don’t agree with a lot of his politics, but you have to admit he is adorable and light hearted. I really love the idea behind this book a lot. I know he loves to paint, and the whole collection is a great way to honor military veterans. All that to say, I really don’t find myself needing a coffee table book of paintings of veterans, regardless of how enduring the artist. Sorry Georgie, not buying your book.
Hallelujah Anyway: Rediscovering Mercy by Anne Lamott
Apparently I only chose books with colons in the title. We are so close to the end of this list and if I have to type another colon I might cut my list short.
Anyway, Anne Lamott. Listen girl, I love you. I’m a writer, and Bird by Bird is basically the Good Book if you’re serious about improving the craft. However, you are way too deep into Jesus for me to follow, man. I just can’t pick up what you’re putting down. If you decide to write more books about writing, I will actually buy that shit. I won’t check it out, I’ll put it on my favorites shelf. But I’m not buying this because I don’t want to feel like I’m at church for 192 pages. I mean, that isn’t that long, but let’s be real 5 minutes in church feels like 5 hours. I’m not buying your new book, Anne Lamott. I’m just not going to do it.
Oh look, my list actually did end. So, that’s all the money I will be saving myself this month. What books are you not going to buy?
Cheeto isn’t going to buy anything because he’s a cat and cats don’t have money: